• Andrea Laparra

Early Mom Guilt

Updated: Sep 5, 2020

I began writing this post because I feel guilt. Total and absolute #momguilt, and something in my gut tells me that this has got to be a common emotion at this stage. Maybe not for everyone, and if you don’t feel this I wish I felt the way you do/did soooo bad, but I don’t and in case there are any other mommas-to-be out there feeling the way I do, maybe it can bring you some sort of comfort to know that you are not alone in feeling like this, and that this too shall pass. At least that’s what I keep telling myself…

So, guilt… for what? For starters, I’m sure the influx of hormones have something- if not everything- to do with this emotional rollercoaster, but I can’t help but feel guilt for all the things I’m not feeling, doing, saying or being at this stage of my pregnancy.

I feel guilt for not feeling more excited about where I’m at today. 10 weeks, and there’s more shitty days than good days. Guilt for not eating better. Guilt for not working out more. Guilt for feeling tired all the time. Guilt for wanting to be alone instead of surrounded by people. Guilt for being snappy at my fiancé and biting his head off constantly. Guilt for wanting this first trimester to be over. I mean even saying this out loud (aka putting it out on the internet) makes me feel like a shitty person and a shitty mom.

When I first found out I was pregnant, faithful to my Type-A personality, I envisioned everything: from plans, to schedules, to meal plans & workouts, and I committed to a super clean organic diet free from processed foods, hormones, GMO’s, gluten, refined sugars, and all the shitty stuff food has these days. I led a pretty clean life prior to pregnancy, but I was excited and more committed than ever to do this for the baby.

But F-word!!! Pregnancy hit me blind sighted. I guess you never really know what to expect from something until you live through it… but boy this one was a wild card. Up to this point I’ve been a tough cookie and have pretty much had things go my way throughout my life for the most part… not because I’m high maintenance but because I’m passionate about how I feel and what I want, and I will move mountains to make shit happen. But this one was totally out of my control.

All the plans and schedules I had envisioned and planned for turned into living on a minute by minute basis, cancelling plans, rescheduling appts, and doing a lot of hibernating at home.

All those meal plans I was passionate about making literally got thrown out the window. I struggle finding things that sound good at all, so planning to be in the mood for something became practically impossible. Foods that taste good make me nauseous right after. Leftovers became my enemy. Most food smells gross me out, and cooking became, well… ha! I can’t get myself to commit much to cooking these days. I feel like a selfish bad mom because I’m nursing my needs and not sticking to what I consciously know the baby needs, but how does one force foods they don’t want to eat down their throat, knowing if they don’t sound good, let alone smell good, they’ll probably come right back out…?

One thing I’ve learned about pregnancy is that everyone and their mother wants to give you a piece of their mind on the matter. One of the common ones I hear is “Make sure you work out!”, “Walk a lot!”, “Keep active”. But how does one do that when you barely have energy to get dressed and you constantly feel like shit? I consider myself lucky to say I’ve worked out once a week the last couple weeks. And that seems like about as much as I can handle. I can’t find the energy and most of the time exerting energy ends up making me want to puke my insides out anyways so I dread it half the time.

I’ve always been a home-body but ever since I’ve been pregnant, social activities don’t appeal to me much. I also used to be a social butterfly but now the thought of having to socialize feels a little bit like a chore. I feel like such a B saying this, especially because don’t get me wrong, I lovemy tribe- but when you constantly feel nauseous, or have headaches or migraines, or feel emotional (hormones), drained or exhausted… The only place you want to be is home without feeling the need to talk to anyone.

Finally, poor daddies. They probably get the shittiest end of the stick because they have to deal with us, and boy are we a handful. My poor guy is such a trooper, as I’m sure every daddy-to-be out there is. I have to remind myself that this is also new to him but there are times when he simply just doesn’t understand or brushes something off as no big deal when in fact it feels like a big deal to me and it makes me feel so irrational and misunderstood. I know this is the hormones, and I also know the lash outs on him are not intentional, but I can’t help but feel guilty about putting him through this. To top it off, I also can’t stand his cologne smell, I feel extra smothered and uncomfortable when he cuddles me at night, add the lack of sexual drive to this, plus my absence in the kitchen and providing home-cooked meals, my lack of cleaning and doing laundry, him picking up my slack at the office… and boy-oh-boy it all literally brings me to tears. The guilt is real.

Worst part is there’s not much to do about any of these things until I start to feel better. And that comes with time and we all know there’s no rushing time. The second trimester seems promising from what I hear, so just a few more weeks to go until I see brighter days. In the meantime, I’ll keep telling myself that I can’t be the first or last to feel this way and that when I finally hold my baby in my arms for the very first time it will all be worth every single thing I went through for 9 months. That right there is the biggest ray of hope in all of this.

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